Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter