it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
You Might Also Like
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
reminder
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.