I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Oh no
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.