ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
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Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”