Woke up against my better judgement again
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Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.