In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
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Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”