I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Thursday Thought.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Warm pools make me nervous.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot