Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
water it, i dare you
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
when revenge coincides with naptime
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!