DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
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It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie