I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today