If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
You Might Also Like
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Peace was never an option
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.