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I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Noah was an idiot.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
😂😂
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison