Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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Why do meteors always land in craters?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Good dog. ❤️
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.