[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
NASA has no chill
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I finally found a reason to live again.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life