Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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Dead sexy!!
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Sorry. Not sorry
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over