Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.