cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
new wife guy just dropped
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
HERE’S MARKY
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes