Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.