I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Matt Goss