Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Netflix and awkward silence?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
me, too, girl. me, too.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.