2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart