No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.