Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it