Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
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my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Snapes on a plane.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.