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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
found this cool rock hiking today
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.