TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Oh my God.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”