Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare