the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..