SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….