Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you