Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.