What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
☠️☠️☠️
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Bro what is this
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.