why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.