Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.