It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I love twitter
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.