[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.