imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
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1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
jesus christ confetti not now
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome