When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer