I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
You Might Also Like
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.