I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I feel it
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
🍛
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.