If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.