Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
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[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Weighing up my bread heating options
❤️❤️❤️
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.