“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.