“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.