[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?