The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
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My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here