me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.