Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.