Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
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[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Effort made
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
When you’re Kinky but poor
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
He just like my cat fr
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it