Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
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Aaaa…CHOO!
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram